Being a third of the way through your first semester is scary and can be overwhelming. Just as you think you are all settled in you are hit with a curve ball.
My freshman year curveball came by way of being in the passenger seat during the O.J. Simpson chase. I thought me and Juice (that's what all of us in Dorsey called him) were just going for our weekly glove shopping adventure and then suddenly, the cops came for no reason.
But, I digress. To help you avoid stress from the rest of your way through Miami, here is a complete list of everything you need to know to make sure you graduate.
Taxation is Theft
The government has no right to your money, and taxation is just a legal way for them to steal it. Tax dollars go straight into lining the pockets of congressmen and do nothing else.
Just don’t pay your taxes, they can’t get us all in trouble!
You hear everyone complaining about the government. Why don’t we all just stop paying taxes and try again? To make it through any class at Miami, professors and the “liberals” will try to tell you taxes are good and helpful that fund the university. Do not believe them. Miami will be fine if they have your tuition money.
All media is brainwashing
Do not become socialized into anything. All of society is just civilized brainwashing.
Miami wants you to think for yourself and be free. To do this, burn every book you see, and destroy all technology. This will help you in your classes – you can decide for yourself what calculus is, not some stuffy Ph.D who thinks they know more than you.
You got a 3 in AP U.S. History? Why is anyone trying to tell you what to think? Do not let them control your thoughts. All that will lead to is a high paying job and generally fulfilling lifestyle. Burn it all and train yourself, 12 years of school was enough.
Animal bones will be currency soon, stockpile them
Enjoy what you're reading?
Signup for our newsletter
If you follow my previous advice, we will be without a government, and the education system will collapse. After that, the U.S. dollar will be useless, meaning we can decide what is next.
I have a buddy in Farmer who is a fourth-year finance student who thinks animal bones are the next big thing. He says in the next three years, declining balance will be changed to animal bones.
Start that process now of getting your animal bones because we all know about inflation.
Have a hard time sleeping? Try meth
I don’t know about you, but I am not a big fan of melatonin. After you use it for a month or so, it barely works.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Ryan, isn’t heroin a better way to sleep?” and I will tell you that stuff can’t be trusted. That’s why I switched to meth; the cool minty burn knocks me out after only a few hits.
Even if you are on a budget crunch, that's okay. You can literally make it at home. I am a big fan of do-it-yourself projects that are useful, and homemade meth really hits the spot.
Reach out to others
I know it may feel that you have your group already and that you have found your niche. But there are so many people here that you have not met yet and they are all so cool.
Keep reaching out to people, and you may meet more awesome people. I think so many people try to find a few friends and stop searching for people. Join a new club next semester or try a new activity, put yourself out there and the results will be magical.
Read More
Humor section picks for el presidente
By Humor Section Writers | November 14, 2024Just because the presidential election is over doesn't mean we have to believe the results are real! These candidates are better served to be in office.
The worst experience of my life: Part 2
By Connor Oviatt | November 13, 2024Tune into part II of Connor's worst life experience.