The Twilight Saga, as told by a newcomer

First and foremost, I want to get a few things out in the open:

I understand that Bella is annoying. Get over it.

Charlie is the blueprint for fathers everywhere.

Rosalie still gives me bad vibes.

And yes, I am Team Edward.

I sat on the couch between my friends as they watched me watch “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2” — the last of the “Twilight” movies — for the first time. Their eyes shot back and forth between each other and me, and they kept mentioning that “the scene” was coming up.

For those of you who have invested your time into the series, you probably know what scene I’m talking about.

“You only get the true experience of this scene the first time you watch it,” one of them said.

“So pay attention,” said the other.

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I watched intently as the good vampires fought the bad ones, trying to protect an immortal child. Heads were ripped off, the earth parted and then Alice’s vision came to an end.

My jaw was on the floor.

As the credits rolled shortly after, our movie marathon concluded, and I was left feeling a range of emotions that I hadn’t felt since reading “The Hunger Games” series in middle school.

My friends said goodnight and headed off to bed, but I was glued to the couch, wondering why it had taken a pandemic for me to watch these movies more than a decade after the first release.

Below are some of my hottest takes on Twilight that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.

Throughout the movies, I found, like most people, that Bella Swan was extremely annoying.

That scene in “New Moon” where she’s staring out her bedroom window for three months because Edward left? Little dramatic, don’t you think?

But if we cut out all of her depression and angst, we would also be cutting out everything that makes “Twilight” good. And I stand by that.

Bella’s drama fuels the series.

No normal person isn’t going to fall that madly in love with a blood-sucking vampire after, like, a month. That’s completely Bella Swan territory.

Accept the fact that she’s a little crazy and move on. OK?

Charlie Swan is arguably the most sane person in the “Twilight” universe.

He was the only person to question his daughter’s convoluted life choices and clearly fabricated stories. Meanwhile, Bella’s mom isn’t bothered one bit by the fact that she’s recovering from a “rare disease” in “Switzerland?” Come on, people.

Between actually caring for Bella and bringing the typical dad-style sense of humor, Charlie is the father figure that none of us deserve.

I adore the Cullen family.

Carlisle and Esme are like second parents to Bella, Jasper and Alice are like the siblings she never had and Emmett would do anything for her. They would stop at nothing to protect Bella.

Except you, Rosalie.

I get that Rosalie has a troubled past and might be a little messed up because of it. But is that really an excuse? Work through it, girl.

I mean, Bella was basically on her deathbed after giving birth to Renesmee, and all Rosalie can think about is stealing her baby.

I just can’t get past that, no matter how badass everyone tries to tell me she is.

A critical part of being a “Twilight” fan is choosing a side: are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?

For someone watching the movies 10 years later, it may not be as big of a deal.

Nonetheless, I’m prepared to defend my position.

I am Team Edward. Is he technically super old and predatory toward Bella? Absolutely, and I’m not OK with that. But the best argument I can give is this:

I think that Jacob and Edward are almost equally terrible.

At least Edward seems to have genuine concern for Bella, whereas it feels like Jacob is whining about a toy he can’t have for five films straight. Grow up, buddy.

While I was left with a million questions and quite a few qualms at the end of the saga, I’m not afraid to say that, finally, I am just as obsessed with “Twilight” as everyone else was in 2008.

calderjm@miamioh.edu