College is all about addictions. For some people, this could be drugs or alcohol. For others it's issues with food, sex, lying, etc. I'd say for sure that everyone at one point in their college life has had an addiction of some sort, whether you were aware of it or not. As defined by Merriam-Webster, an addiction is a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal. They break it down further and say that it is any persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful. That's the hallmark of an addiction: You know it's bad for you but you do it anyway. Something inside of you drives your mental and physical tolerance up to the point where you need more and more to achieve the same euphoria as before.
I believe I've come across a new strain of senioritis that causes me to want to say and do everything that I never had the chance to do before. I can only describe it as constantly being in a state of quarter-life crisis. Our lives are driven by this compulsive pursuit of happiness. More than anything I want to live my life where every day counts and without regret. The problem is that I'm addicted to doubt. Extreme self-doubt has ruled my life for longer than I care to remember, and there was a time not too long ago when it paralyzed me. I couldn't make a single decision without repeatedly second- guessing myself, so I let other people make them for me. It was gratifying in an ironic way; trying to make everyone else happy and always falling short, then internalizing it as a personal failure. I told myself that I was doing it out of love for the people in my life, but really I just couldn't admit that I wasn't happy because I didn't trust myself. It felt euphoric to be needed, and I would have given myself away until there was nothing left if it meant that I could feel that way forever. Before I even had time to realize it, I didn't recognize myself anymore, and I knew that if I didn't start to take control of my life I would become someone completely different. So, I made a decision.
I'm not going to be the person that someone else wants me to be. All this introspection comes at a point in my life when I have to make serious decisions about my future, and I'm faced with two choices: I can either let myself be consumed by doubt and just complain about it, or I can take control, take risks, and actually trust myself to make the right decisions for me. I can honestly say that it's the most difficult thing I've ever done. We're all fighting our own personal battles with addiction, and I can only hope that anyone who is struggling with it will seek the help that they need. Even though it's up to us to choose how we want to live our lives, we all need a little help every now and then. I only have half of a semester left before graduation, but I don't want to wait until then for my life to begin. Taking that first step is always the hardest part, but I've come to realize that life is all about mastering your addictions, and what better time to start than the present.
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