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A plan to turn your life around

Liz Riggs

Finals got you down? Feeling like you need to get away? Wondering if you've caused yourself permanent intellectual damage from the simultaneous consumption of alcoholic beverages and Adderall? Your answer is simple. Every now and then, everybody needs a little pick-me-up to catapult himself or herself out of a rut. So I'm proposing a two-fold plan to help everyone who is feeling a little bit down-and-out.

Go to Hamilton, Ohio.

Don't come back.

Simply put, Hamilton has all everything anyone could ever need. The Miami Metro should seriously consider having a regular route to and from this golden city tucked safely in the rolling hills of southwest Ohio. As far as city planning goes, Hamilton is flawless. There are an infinite number of traffic lights, construction is rampant and the street sides are filled with vacated strip malls and local cuisine.

That being said, I would say that there is probably some serious competition for the number one attraction in Hamilton. While I myself am partial to the Hobby Lobby, other avid Hamilton fans have an inclination to head straight for the Texas Roadhouse, Meijer or the drive-thru Skyline.

While the Hobby Lobby could certainly single-handedly rescue a marriage, it is most useful for numbing the pain after a devastating life failure (appearing in the Police Beat, appearing in and/or around Shriver after your first year, appearing anywhere on Western Campus-please note this list is not exhaustive ).

Essentially, Hobby Lobby can meet all of your basic mental, emotional and physical/sexual needs. There are picture frames for the photos of friends you don't speak to anymore. There are fake grapes to fuel your eating disorder. There are various naked dolls to indulge in your more prurient desires. Whatever you need, Hobby Lobby has it. If they don't, trust me-you don't need it.

And in the slight chance that you are still on a search for something you don't need, you could easily take a stroll over to the Amish Furniture store (a paradox if I've ever seen one).

The reason Hamilton serves as an unblemished place to take back your life is because it is basically Oxford on steroids. The Wal-Mart is bigger, the movie theater is better and, as mentioned earlier, the Skyline is DRIVE-THRU. While they may not hand out one-dollar cheese coneys to drunk first-years at 3 a.m., they do take laziness to a whole new level. Not only that, but while Hamilton masquerades as a dingy hole in the wall, it's actually a little bit like a fantasy get-away. The river in the heart of town looks like a magical place to take on some new outdoor activities, and the bridge that crosses over it can only be described as breathtaking. The Waffle House might as well be made of gold, and the city skyline is simply scintillating.

So next week during finals when the drugs aren't working, make your way down to Hamilton, Ohio-where all your dreams can come true.

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