What can only be described as one of the greatest phenomena of the natural world occurred last Thursday, as thousands of Jeeps gathered to roost outside of sorority girls’ houses for the cold winter months.

A flock of jeeps, more scientifically known as a Jeep Wrangleherd, will often take nest between February and April in hopes of keeping warm by the strung up fairy lights outside every house.

This occurrence, as well as fraternity members’ shirts flying off their body while day drinking, are known as the great natural wonders of the modern world. Only in localized regions, such as small towns with colleges in them and the Natural Light Factory, can such phenomena occur.

“No one knows exactly why this natural wonder happens,” said environmental biologist Carrie Henders. “The leading theory is that a chemical called ‘payrints mon-e’ has something to do with it. The more payrints mon-e going through the house, the higher the probability a jeep will take nest.”

Other theories are that empty cherry vodka bottles put up as decoration give off an attractive pheromone, or that ritualistic chants act as a sort of mating call for the boxy cars.

Many believe the strange symbols of triangles and circles with slashes through them, so often found in the sorority homes, are the key to discovering the truth behind the wonder. Sadly, the only words of the ancient language that have been deciphered are “wine moms only.”

Though most Jeeps that roost are wild, those that have been caught and domesticated by a horde of sorority girls are often used as beasts of burden, carrying copious amounts of wine and White Claw from local merchants.

The domesticated breed of Jeep may seem docile at first, but onlookers are strongly advised to be aware of their stampeding nature, often ignoring stop signs and other natural formations like curbs all together. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service cautions pedestrians to take heed of any rogue Jeep on its way to a fraternity pre-game or pottery painting studio.

“We hope this is the year where we finally crack the mystery of the Jeep’s nature,” said Henders. “Only then can we finally move on to another mystery that’s been plaguing biologists: the spontaneous blossoming of beer cans on fraternity lawns every spring.”

 

seriomp@miamioh.edu

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