Alright, first – years. I realize you’re pretty confused with all this new, hip Miami lingo you’re hearing all the time, so I’ve made an easy to use Miami Lingo Dictionary to make your life easier.
1809 – the amount of dollars you’ll spend on contraceptives this semester.
Armstrong Student Center – this building will never exist. “Armstrong Student Center” is code for President Hodge’s retirement fund.
Broomball – this sport requires neither brooms nor balls, as any pansy can partake. If you don’t mind sharing molding penny jerseys, head lice-ridden helmets or crusty moon shoes that would be rejected by the least respectable Goodwill store, you’ll love broomball.
Greek Week – an awkward display of the Greek community in which Greek students are forced to be proud of their Greek involvement. Dreaded by all Greeks on campus, Greek Week is one of the most humiliating periods of a Greek student’s life, and they spend the rest of the year trying to live down this horrible week in which they have to let everyone know their true Greek identity.
Helpful academic adviser – this mythical creature does not actually exist. There are advisers, but helpful advisers are figments of your imagination. Figure out your schedule yourself — it will save you so much time and misery.
Miami merger – a destined-to-fail marriage that unites two Miami graduates, both too stupid to realize that there are quite literally millions of other people in the world better suited for them, but since those millions of people won’t kiss under the Upham arch, they, of course, are not marriage material …
Miami Plan – a collection of classes students are forced to take in an attempt to bring down their GPA, self-esteem and overall feeling of well-being. Miami Plan is also the leading reason for emotional breakdowns during finals week.
Parents Weekend – these two days are reserved for parents to come and tell you everything you’ve done wrong since they left you on move-in day. Miami provides a plethora of Parents Weekend events, each one more stupid than the last. For instance, an equestrian demo or the farmer’s market are on the schedule.
Phi Delt Gates – where people take advantage of your drunken state and make you will spend more money than you ever thought possible on hot chocolate, puppy chow and cupcakes.
Poster Sale – an opportunity to buy oversized pictures representing pop culture that will make your roommate think you’re well versed in music, art, cinema and alcohol even though you are not.
R.A. – stands for buzz kill. This person will watch you like a hawk, make you participate in pointless get-to-know-you activities and ensure that there is zero fun to be had in residence halls.
The seal – according to Miami legend, stepping on the seal will cause you to fail your next exam. This is false. Really it’s just a way for bedwetters to pretend they’re badasses because they can fearlessly step on a metal circle. Wow. I’m really impressed.
Slant walk – the diagonal stretch of concrete that serves as a vomit receptacle for lightweight underclassmen straggling home from an eventful night uptown. Likewise, slant walk is home to one of Miami’s less popular sports, vomit puddle dodging.
Swoop – Miami’s apology for decades of having a derogatory mascot.
Upham Arch – Miami’s favorite place to get sexually transmitted diseases.
Western Campus – a far-removed piece of land Miami bought for a song back in the 1970’s. Western is now an outpost for the few freethinkers Oxford still has. Anyone bold enough to stray from the Miami mold (Northface, Uggs, Vera Bradley, J. Crew, etc.) is thrown over to Western so that the rest of the Miami populace doesn’t have to deal with their clogs and dreadlocks.
So there’s your little dictionary, first-year brats. This is the only nice thing I’m going to do for you.
Deal with it.