University president Gregory Crawford has wowed audiences throughout the Miami University community with his newfound blues guitar skills.

Students were blown away at his “inclusive jam sesh” in the dining area of the student section last month, and since then has fielded record deal offers from big names in the blues industry.

Crawford offers “a brave new sound” to the people of Oxford, OH. But reports from a collection of residents suggest he may not have come by this new talent honestly.

“It was like something out of a southern folk tale,” said Jimmy John’s Assistant Shift Manager Jaysin Brough to The Miami Student. “It looked like he was burning this sort of, I don’t know, poorly-sculpted satanic offering made of Juul pods and eco-friendly Starbucks straws. He was literally kneeling at the crossroads of Tallawanda and High, like he was just, like, waiting for someone.”

Ogden Hall resident and sophomore Trista Niekamp was shocked to witness that fateful night.

“My lights went out, all the streetlamps went dark and this dark figure with a shiny blue Fender Squier guitar emerged from behind a bush,” she said. “I was looking out my window, so I couldn’t hear very well, but it sounded like Crawford offered to sacrifice his soul and remove student input from the disciplinary system if he could be given the skills to become the best blues artist in the land.”

The Crawfords have fought to rise above this university-wide scandal as they prepare for their upcoming event, “Energy Chews, Running Shoes and Silky Blues with Greg and Renate!”

“I’ve got no idea, quite frankly, where these gross accusations are taking root,” Crawford said in a statement to The Student.“I’ve devoted my time here to making sure the fabric of our Miami community has been inclusive,  so I can shred the grooviest solos southwestern Ohio has ever seen.”

Crawford declined to comment whether or not he traded his soul in exchange to “tame those wild strings.”

As Renate’s drum skills have rapidly advanced,  and Ivy has blown audiences away with her bass guitar ability,  suspicious fans have only just begun to question Miami’s first family.

Look out for Energy Chews, Running Shoes, and Silky Blues with Greg and Renate! Now streaming on Zune!

babbitwc@miamioh.edu

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