(Dan Chudzinski)
My name is Hayley and I am a caffeine-aholic.
They say the first step is admitting, so I suppose I'm on my way to recovery.
Yet the addiction started simple enough, a latté before an 8 a.m., a 12 oz. of Mountain Dew to aid an all-nighter, but two years of college and a 3.4 cumulative GPA later and I was hooked. Each time the sweet, sugary stimulant hit my lips a surge of energy and insight would run through my veins, eager to take on the challenges that faced my day or, more likely, night.
Friends worried about my addiction would beg me to quit, replacing my Mountain Dews with diet versions.
"I need the hard stuff," I'd scream, throwing the imposter pick-me-ups into the trash and rushing out the door to replenish my caffeine stash. Those that try to cheat me learn their lesson the first time. Instead of snatching one of my green bottles of caffeine slender, they opt for my housemates' milk or water, knowing a caffeine-induced wrath is worse than the calm, sane minds of my friends.
Interventions have come and gone, taking me to different friends' homes, trying in vein to stop the addiction.
"I thought we were going out for ice cream," I'd say as we walked into the awkward abyss of a friend's living room.
"Haven't you had enough sugar today?" they'd ask.
It quickly seemed that I would have to hide my love for all things caffeine to the public eye. I learned to sneak a drink in between class, taking sips behind closed doors, chugging Starbuck's Vanilla Frappuccinos in the Shriver bathroom - never letting my guard down and never trusting a soul.
Soon I took my addiction to the road, taking swigs of paper-bag-covered Mountain Dews behind the wheel. The bright flashing lights of Oxford's finest pulling behind me shown in my mirror as I slowed down.
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"I promise officer, I just had one drink," I'd say as a rush of coffee-breath and empty cans pours out of my car.
Sobriety tests hold no candle to my logic.
"I'm just as social drinker, I swear," I'd say.
But I know one day my bad decisions will catch up with me, after all, friends don't let real friends drink too much caffeine.
One day my friends will check up on me, looking into my room and seeing empty, green, plastic bottles and textbooks spread across my bed with my lifeless, caffeineless body motionless and cold underneath.
"It was the drink that got her," they'll say, prying the last Red Bull from my cold, lifeless hand.
As much as I need my caffeine fix to help me I know one day it will only lead to my demise. Well, maybe not demise, but weight gain, rotten teeth, bad skin - all just as bad. Those that average five to six hours a sleep a night without the help of a stimulant supplement shock me. These eighth wonders of the world who go to bed at 4 a.m., wake up at 8 a.m. and are still able to have full makeup and perfect hair ruin my hypothesis of "no college student wakes up before 8 a.m. without the help of Mr. Coffee."
But for those few who continue to do this "sleep" thing I've heard people talk of in passing, I have a prediction to make. One day you too will be in my shoes. Pop culture's latest trend of energy drinks will only ferment as time goes on. There will be a time in our society where no one sleeps, energy drink will be drunk 24 hours a day and society, like me, will be addicted to the sugary goodness I have referred to on occasion as my best friend.
Without you caffeine, I don't know where I'd be. I wouldn't have decent grades, I wouldn't have an internship and I probably wouldn't have written this article. We've been together through thick and thin - you were there for my first all-nighter, my first college exam and I'm sure you'll be there when I graduate. I'd like to thank Starbuck's, the good people at Tuffy's who make me coffee every morning and most importantly the vending machine stockers at Miami University, without which, I would never have the three Mountain Dews I've averaged every day for the last two years.
And so I may be a caffeine-aholic, but more importantly I am a workaholic, and whatever helps me accomplish what I need, is all I ask for. Maybe one day I'll break the addiction, but until then, fill 'er up.
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