Students anxiously formed a line around the cash register in Pulley Diner on Saturday, Feb. 17, wondering which type of French fry they would be served that night.

Sophomore Rebecca Ingram said she never knew whether to expect the normal ones, the slightly thicker ones or the inexplicably peppery ones.

“Seriously, what’s with all the pepper?” said Ingram. “Have you ever met anyone, ever, who puts that much pepper on their fries?”

Her boyfriend, Luke West, said a knot of anxiety forms in his stomach each time he cautiously orders a meal at Pulley with a side of fries, because “you really never know what you’re going to get.”

“I’m a busy college student,” said West. “I need some semblance of stability in my life. And if I can’t have that at Pulley, where can I?”

Their friend, sophomore Sadie Mitchell, fell asleep at the table after ordering and was half-carried home by her housemate, who said Mitchell felt very strongly about Pulley French fries and would definitely want to comment had she not consumed two Trashcans at Brick.

Ingram and West continued to furiously rant as they waited for their food at a sticky red booth around the corner from the register.

“Even the sporadic waffle fries in Western Dining last year were more consistent,” said Ingram. “At least they usually had those on Thursdays, and sometimes on Sundays.”

“God damn it,” said West upon receiving his food. “They’re the peppery ones.”

Ingram lowered her head onto the table in defeat, too disgusted to eat a single, pepper-coated fry.

Mitchell said in an email interview the next morning that she realized if she really wanted consistent French fries, she knew she could just drive to the McDonald’s on Locust Street, approximately four minutes away, but Pulley was “just easier, TBH.” In addition, McDonald’s only takes “real money.”

Editor’s note: this is a work of journalistic satire.