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Spring break embraces the worst of college society

Blake Essig

As timely and predictable as the return of the cliff swallows to Capistrano, every year around this time we see a certain trend reappear on campus. This trend is different though-it doesn't involve a particular brand of clothes or a Will Ferrell catchphrase, and it doesn't correlate with change in the commodities market. The trend is actually more of a mindset, most closely resembling a zombie outbreak. Everything is seemingly normal, then suddenly it spreads and before we know it we're surrounded. They're the zealots of the seven most overrated days in our culture. They're the spring break all-stars.

The spring break all-star is usually responsible for an influx of peculiar trends that occur just about two weeks prior to spring break. The gyms become packed, overflowing with guys sporting tank tops, bandanas and primer tans on two-week bicep-blasting circuits. Bars almost surely notice a surge in the sale of diet and rum in lieu of other drinks. You may even notice the campus is quieter; that's because the spring break all-star is genderless and the females are preparing to incessantly shriek "whoo!" for seven consecutive days. Spring breakers strong of heart but light in the wallet often pitch debt-relief programs to their roommates this time of year to help raise the capital to go on a trip. However, these proposals are often vetoed due to prior lack of fiscal responsibility. These are the people who give in to the national trend of making spring break arguably the most overrated event in our cultural history.

Don't get me wrong-I really do love spring break, especially after losing that week to a spring sport for several years. I love the camaraderie and absurdity of it. I love seeing a man accidentally vomit Natural Ice, or a girl gain much needed self-esteem by emerging victorious from a wet T-shirt contest. However, I've become cynical. In an age short on rites of passage, for many this seven-day chug-a-thon has become a pathetic substitute. Treating it this way perpetuates the obsession even further. In ancient Greece, boys were cast out into the mountains and expected to use their intuition and will to survive as a rite of passage. Things like a first time hunting, becoming wed or even hazing by classmates used to be instilled in American culture. Spring break celebrates everything great about this youthful time in our life: excessive drinking, no parents and hooking up with someone that you have no idea what gutter they just crawled out of. It's no triumph of passage into adulthood.

When we take things like spring break more and more as a rite of passage among us, we start to lack any real sense of worth in life. Doing 9,000 sit-ups will not change the fact that your personality is limited to talking about what you're drinking and how much of it. Using your trust fund to buy Miller Chills for 27 girls that are in desperate need of a penicillin shot does not make you a man. I just hope I can go on spring break this year without my senses being assaulted by the unending play of derivative rap remixes of classic songs, clouds of cheap cologne and the landfill-like beaches of kids wearing FBI shirts and body glitter.