He’s what the ladies want, what the fellows wish they were, what the moms want their sons to be, what their fathers want their daughters to marry and he’s the guy you’ve always dreamed about.
That’s right, he’s Miami’s Sexiest Man Alive 2010.
This too-good-to-be-true sex machine goes by the name Chris Gutschenritter, nickname Gutsch, rap name Gutschin’ Ain’t Easy. You might have seen him on the baseball field, or maybe cruisin’ around in his minivan, getting parking tickets left and right. What are the parking tickets for, you might ask?
Easy: Being too sexy.
While a sex appeal like Gutsch’s is too much of a burden for some, the junior accounting major from Atlanta, Ga. shoulders that load with style.
Being the quality reporter that I am, I decided to do some investigative work to see what really goes on inside the mind of the sexiest man alive.
After formulating highly scientific, important and intelligent questions that would not make me look like an idiot, I sat down with Gutsch and got a glimpse into the mind of a sex icon.
Amusement: If you could say one thing to the guy who invented balloons, what would it be?
Gutsch: You’ve made a lot of birthdays go. Thank you.
A: Where would be your first destination upon getting a magic carpet?
G: I wouldn’t be concerned with where I was going. I would be more attentive to having a magic carpet, and I would be friends with it like Aladdin. We’d play chess.
A: What board game do you cheat on most often?
G: Stratego. I lie and say I have a different piece than is actually there. (Note: If I knew how to count, I would do this too, just so I could say I had cheating strategies in common with the sexiest man alive.)
A: What would you name your pet dragon and why?
G: Leroy because I feel like dragons are normal if you give them a chance, so you should give them a normal name and not some weird magical name like Slayer or Zor. Yeah, I’d name him Leroy and we would just fly around the neighborhood.
A: What hurts you the most about the fact that you will never get to be a teen mom on 16 and Pregnant?
G: That I won’t get to give birth.
A: For you personally, what is the devil?
G: Foreign language.
A: If you could say one thing to all the children of the world, what would it be?
G: There is no … No … It would be don’t grow up … No … I would say … There’s no Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy … No, I would say just enjoy yourself, be a little kid, stay young at heart.
A: So, I’m asking you this totally for the article and not at all for my own personal reasons because, I mean, it doesn’t matter to me, you know … but, and this is for the sake of the article, what’s your relationship status right now?
G: Like, am I single?
A: Yes. And, again, this isn’t for me to know, like, I could care less if you’re single. It’s not like I’m looking to, you know … But the readers will probably want to know … It’s all relevant, you see … I’m not asking for me …
G: Uh, yes, I’m single.
A: And ready to mingle?
G: Single and ready to mingle.
A: Oh my gosh, what a coincidence! Because I’m totally singl —