Jake Gold and Nick Froehlich, guest columnists
The following is a work of satire.
Armstrong’s Phase Two was a great move by the university. For $23 million, we got new study space and some cool restaurants – including Red Zone, a brilliant idea from Miami to curb the (mostly unimportant and mostly a nothingburger) drinking culture.
But where Armstrong falls short is in its meager budgetary allotment and small size. Really, Miami? Is $23,600,000 all you can muster up for the greatest expansion to our student experience since Phi Delt came into existence in 1848?
Plus, we only knocked down Culler Hall. One academic building? What?
Does Miami not care about student experience?
So here’s my proposal. Armstrong Phase III. Armstrong Phase III will cost $24 million dollars, and will knock down two additional academic buildings.
I mean, seriously, Shideler is right there, and it’s basically begging for it. Just think of how satisfying it would be to watch some big ol’ wrecking balls slap right into that lame, dorky rock museum. Only nerds would care, and when did we become a school for nerds?
But really, besides the cheapskate price tag and lack of academic destruction, what Armstrong is missing is the special sauce that you can only find at Brick Street Bar and Grill™.
You know the unique feeling that you get, having downed several trashcans and being stuck to the ground because of the sweat, blood and cheap beer that coat Brick Street Bar and Grill™’s floors?
The university made a great step in the correct direction by choosing to spend big bucks on incorporating a hair salon and countless cafés into the student center experience. However, Miami’s noble effort to submerge all who tread these grounds into an ocean of raw, hedonistic and thoughtless pleasure will remain lackluster until Brick Street Bar and Grill™ is both funded by the university and placed smack in the middle of campus.
Since Vinny from Jersey Shore will fix all of our students’ mental health problems in a single night, we can divest entirely from Student Counseling Services to partially cover the expenses.
Another avenue we should explore is selling all of King Library’s dumb books on Craigslist for some quick and easy cash. Really – why the hell do we hoard all of these useless, stupid books? Who has the time to read all of these things when the only reasons we’re here is to figure out how to land a sick internship at Goldman Sachs, drink and bone?
I know you might be hesitant. Miami is a “university,” and, while not technically obligated to actually educate students, it’s generally implied.
But imagine a world with Armstrong Student Center Phase III.
A world where students can come to Armstrong Student Center and never leave. Where you can start your day with some delicious Starbucks coffee at the genuine, authentic European Café Lux™, and a scrumptious breakfast bagel at The Toasted Bagel™.
Then, when you’re fully loaded and ready to experience all that Miami has to offer, you can head to Brick Street Bar and Grill™, where you can slurp up a few morning pitchers.
Hungry for lunch? You’re all set. Go to Pulley, and you can slurp up some pure and unadulterated grease with your mid-day Keystone Light. Hoping for something more nutritionally-sound? Natural Light has 47 fewer calories, and they serve that too at Brick Street Bar and Grill™!
You’re probably feeling a little drunk. Don’t worry, Armstrong Phase IV absorbs McCullough-Hyde Memorial Hospital!
And you’ll never guess how many academic buildings we’ll knock down.