Joey Hart, Opinion Editor

The following is a work of actual fake news.

In an attempt to even further prepare students for the business world, Farmer School of Business is now offering Real Life Competency 101 for students.

Students will be immersed in a class that shows them the more concrete abilities they need to succeed in corporate America. The course will cover units such as How to Suck Up to Your Boss, How to Undercut Your Coworkers’ Achievements and How to Get Away With Stealing Someone Else’s Lunch, among others.

Additionally, while the class is only worth three credit hours, students will be required to stay in class and complete their work once regular hours are over. They will be expected to dress in business casual attire and are liable to be “fired” (fail the class) at any time for reasons ranging from inadequate work to being annoying during meetings.

Senior and business management major Sam Levathon said this course has opened his eyes to what is ahead of him in life.

“The class really shows you just how much there is to learn about the business world,” Levathon said. “For example, I never knew what a valuable skill it is pretending to do work on an Excel document until your lunch break. These are skills that will last a lifetime.”

Professor Dennis Shire, who teaches two sections of the course, said its lessons are essential for students who want to understand the business world.

“What we are providing to students is a rudimentary understanding of the skills they will need once they clock in for that office job,” Shire said. “Computer science, business writing and economics courses are great, but if students don’t know how to have an affair with their coworker without the boss finding out or listen to someone else’s idea then take it and pass it off as their own, they will not be successful in this field.”

At the end of the semester, students will be given a final grade that is based 50 percent on their physical attractiveness, 40 percent on how loud they talk at meetings and 10 percent on the actual work they do throughout the semester. An automatic A is awarded if a student has a familial connection to the professor.

“It’s great,” Levathon said, “to know that we’re preparing to become the next generation of business leaders.”