Joey Hart, Opinion Editor

The following is a work of journalistic satire.

Sophomore Sarah Munciano, candidate for ASG Senate in the third on campus district, unveiled her new campaign slogan “I need this for my resume” this afternoon.

Munciano, who posted fliers with the new core message in Porter Hall this afternoon, stressed the need for reform in her post-college job marketability.

“For too long, we have had to endure the eyesore of that blank spot on my resume between my club field hockey team captain and my campus tour guide experiences,” Munciano said. “If I am elected, I assure the student body that I will secure the necessary credentials to get an unpaid internship in Washington D.C. before my junior year.”

Other parts of Munciano’s platform include crafting diversity legislation that will look good on a transcript, forming a committee on student health to mention to job interviewers and changing her Instagram bio to “First ASG, then Capital Hill #Munciano2017.”

“The office of a student senator is an honor and privilege to serve in,” Munciano said. “And as my efforts passing out cookies to freshmen in exchange for votes show, I am prepared to take that office head on.”

Munciano’s main opponent, sophomore Todd Hastleman, characterized his opponent’s goals as ludicrous, saying he is the one that needs a resume boost.

“Sarah has good points, I cannot lie,” Hastleman said, “but the facts of this election speak for themselves. And the fact is, this experience would look so good alongside my volunteer work. I need to show I’m an excellent communicator if I expect to go into international relations.”

Hastleman, considered a dark horse in this race, shook things up Monday when he announced his intention to start using card stock for his resumes upon taking office. Munciano, though, called this promise “meaningless.”

“Todd’s focus on the paper stock of his resume is a slap in the face to every voter,” she said. “We all know that it’s the wording of the experience that means most to employers — not the type of paper it’s printed on. I promise the voters I will have the most well-rounded resume to show.”