By Joey Hart, For The Miami Student

The following is a piece of journalistic satire. None of the quotes said by any of the sources, real or fake, are factual.

Late Wednesday, Miami University’s Board of Trustees instituted a campus-wide ban on the use of cargo shorts.

The ban, which took effect immediately, is applicable on all campus property and defines cargo shorts as “any trimmed pants that exhibit an amount of pockets exceeding four,” university officials confirmed.

Julia Binski, director of Student Health Services and proponent of the ban, said the main purpose of the policy was to prevent students “from looking like lame-ass freshmen.”

“I believe that in a college setting we should always strive to create a healthy environment for all of our students,” Binski said. “So when some students wear an article [of clothing] that makes them look like they just transferred from GDI University, it’s vital to take steps against it.”

Binski cited statistics in her argument against the blacklisted apparel, including results from a University of Michigan study published last year, which found that cargo shorts prevented 1,344 hook-ups from occurring on college campuses across the United States in 2013. Thirty-seven percent of these cases reportedly involved a girl that was “so hot.”

“There is simply no reason that in 2015 we should still be debating the merits of such a corrupt style,” she said. “What the hell do you need all those pockets for, anyway?”

Samuel Dickinson, a junior and supporter of the ban, explained that his opposition to the use of cargo shorts began his freshman year during a group outing with friends, when one member of the group decided to wear cargos.

“It was traumatizing, like I was at OU or something,” Dickinson said. “It didn’t matter how many Vineyard Vines button downs and pastel salmon shorts the rest of us [had on], it wasn’t enough to diminish the effect of the cargos on our flow.”

He added that if his friend hadn’t worn cargo shorts that night, he totally would have gotten with this blonde chick.

“She was literally talking to me the whole night,” he said.

Although a recent survey conducted by Student Health Services showed that 78 percent of Miami students feel that cargo shorts are “honestly so lame,” dissenters still exist.

Sophomore Brandon Morchetti said he doesn’t believe in the ban.

“Wait, this is serious?” Morchetti said. “I don’t understand why people care so much about how others dress in a setting where we’re supposed to be open minded.”

Binski begged to differ, describing the dangers of “second-hand cloak,” a phenomenon in which one person’s “super dweebish” clothing makes those around them look dweebish as well. She noted that one in five college students report having been exposed to second-hand cloak at least once by the time they graduate.

“The concerns that surround this issue are real, and no matter how much big cargo companies try to sweep it under the rug, we will continue to fight,” Binski said.

She added that next year the university plans to bring in representatives from J.Crew to talk to students in intimate small group seminars about the long-term consequences of wearing clothes intended for third-graders.

This ban is similar to Miami’s 2013 ban on wearing socks with Sperrys, but comes without the notable stipulation that it’s okay as long as you’re also wearing some fly croakies.

Miami University President David Hodge reaffirmed the policy change in a speech to donors Thursday evening.

“Miami is a special place, a place that values all peoples, creeds and differences, and as long as I am President of Miami I will fight to keep it that way,” he said. “But I mean, seriously, if you wear cargo shorts you’re honestly just a geed.”

In the wake of these developments, the Board has announced that next month it will consider a measure that would require sorority girls walking together in groups of five or more to be wearing Lilly Pulitzer dresses.

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