Spring break. While my classmates are sowing their wild oats, cash me inside, lounging and counting all the ways my plans aren’t getting screwed up. Here’s a handful of movies that will remind you why everyone should stay home.

“Planes, Trains and Automobiles.”

As if your own memories of traveling aren’t traumatic enough, Steve Martin and John Candy compile every awful stereotype about cross-country road trips into this 1987 comedy. Seeing as the film was made before airport security was really even a thing, it barely scratches the surface of how truly awful flying can be. So while some of my peers are paying $100 for a suitcase, not qualifying for TSA pre-check, throwing away their expensive toiletries that are too big for their carry-ons and getting intimate pat-downs from an airport employee, I’ll be lounging with my feet up and my belly full of real food.

“Taken.”

Oh you’re going to visit your friend in Europe who’s studying abroad? What could possibly go wrong that your dad, Liam Neeson, can’t fix? Oh, your dad isn’t Liam Neeson? And if something goes horribly wrong he won’t come to your rescue? Bummer. Best of luck though!

“Titanic.”

If you step foot on a boat over break I’m sure this movie will come to mind. Sure, it was a transatlantic passage from England to America in the early 1900s, but it also involved a luxury cruise-liner. Coincidence? I think not. So yes, the most exciting excursion during my spring break will be the trip I take to TJ Maxx but I will remain on dry land the entire time. Also, to the haters who insist on saying that Jack could have fit on the door, let’s have a little discussion about buoyancy. THERE WAS SURFACE AREA, I WILL CONCEDE, BUT THE COMBINED WEIGHT OF JACK AND ROSE WAS TOO HEAVY TO KEEP THE DOOR AFLOAT. And that’s all I have to say about that.

“Blue Crush.”

This movie is less well-known, but here’s what you need to know: Kate Bosworth plays a super hot professional surfer who flounces around on a Hawaiian beach in tiny bikinis for 110 minutes; she eventually winds up winning a surf competition and hooking up with a professional football player. Just another day at the beach. Bosworth’s perfectly bronzed skin, bleach-blonde wavy hair and all-around ease reminds me of what I look like at the beach — sunburned, with frayed straw masquerading as hair on my head.

“Jaws.”

Hopefully while you are swimming in warm, blue waters, you don’t imagine what your legs look like from the perspective of an underwater predator. But if you do, anytime spent in the deep blue sea will likely be filled with anxious paddling. Also, with climate change and the Earth throwing meteorological temper-tantrums, who knows what sharks’ migration patterns are nowadays? They could be near Gulf Shores, the Atlantic or the Pacific!

“Castaway.”

A plane crash AND years spent alone on a deserted island? That’s the two worst possible travel scenarios combined. At first, Tom Hanks owns his wild aesthetic; looking toned, tan, fit and bearded. But by the end of the movie, all I can think about are the countless moles Tom Hanks will have to have biopsied by his dermatologist . . . which then makes me think of all the skin cancer statistics and the fact that every trip to the beach ends with me molting like the reptile I truly am.

“Thelma and Louise.”

Maybe you’re keeping it low-key and just going on a road trip with your best friend. That could end badly, but probably won’t end as badly as this movie. Important lessons still abound though, like never trust guys that are as hot as young Brad Pitt, and the proper way to handle sexual predators is NOT to shoot them.

“22 Jump Street.”

That scene at the end of this movie where Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill go to the stereotypical “spring break” party is overwhelming. If watching a five-minute scene at one spring break location is overwhelming, imagine how it would feel living it.

Moral of the story? Wear sunscreen, avoid really hot people, stay on dry land and maybe don’t drive off a cliff with your bestie. Godspeed, Spring Breakers.

 

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