Junior Andrea Greene woke up on Sunday, Feb. 11, to discover that the 22-year-old guy she’d slept with the night before had voted for Donald Trump in the 2016 election.
“I thought he was just your usual, run-of-the-mill fratty asshole, but apparently, he’s a Republican,”said the 21-year-old woman, suppressing a shudder.
Greene, treasurer for the College Democrats, frequent Hillary Clinton donor and feminist laptop sticker-sporter, happened upon the damning evidence by chance.
After waking up around 9:00 a.m., Greene decided to get dressed and walk home. While rummaging through the mess of t-shirts, Natty Light cans and discarded papers on the guy’s floor in search of her bra, she discovered a bright red “Make America Great Again” hat.
“At first I thought it was just, like, a Cubs or Reds hat,” she said. “Then I read it, and I was like, ‘oh shit.’”
Not wanting to believe she’d just slept with someone who voted for a president that has denounced feminism and deemed a number of foreign countries “shitholes,” Greene wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it was a friend’s, she reasoned, or perhaps it was another girl’s. She had just met him the night before, after all, and assumed she was not the first one he’d taken home from Brick Street.
But when she turned around to face him again, she was horrified to see him slipping on a “Reagan/Bush 1984” t-shirt.
“It’s vintage,” he proudly declared, before reciting a long list of family members involved in local Republican politics, according to Greene.
“I was still trying to decide if I could morally justify sleeping with someone who voted for a guy who has denied more than 20 sexual misconduct allegations against him,” Greene said. “I mean, that probably means he doesn’t respect women, either, but he was fine with me last night.”
As she embarked on a brisk walk of shame back to her home on Poplar Street, Greene decided that maybe she shouldn’t talk to the guy ever again. But she likely wouldn’t have to worry about that, anyway, because he would almost definitely ghost her.
He was super cute, though, Greene reported, and ended up texting her a curt but respectful “good time last night” later that day. At press time, Greene was debating whether his taking a Women’s Studies class to fill a humanities requirement freshman year cancelled out his voting record.
Editor’s note: This work is a piece of satire.