After just over two years of using the dating app, junior Jenny Weaver has lowered her Tinder standards for what she swipes right on.
Weaver, 21, said that while she used to spend at least 30 seconds deliberating before swiping right or left on someone, unless they seemed “like, really weird,” she now takes merely one or two seconds.
“Sometimes I just swipe with my eyes closed,” said Weaver. “I mean, at this point, I might as well.”
Weaver said she used to have her distance set to merely five miles, but quickly ran out of options. Currently, it is set at 50 miles, to encompass the University of Dayton as well as the University of Cincinnati’s Tinder populations. Weaver was quick to clarify that she is still out of options.
“It’s not like I expected to meet my soulmate or anything on Tinder,” she said. “But I feel like there should be less guys with deer they’ve just shot or their ex-girlfriends — or current girlfriends — in their profile pictures.”
Weaver said she no longer cares if the girls in guys’ photos are their ex-girlfriends or sisters, but she still turns her nose up at throwback photos or ones that include Tinder users’ parents.
“Like, I’m not going to swipe right on a baby,” she said. “Or your dad. Especially if he’s hotter than you.”
Weaver is aware that her increasingly reckless Tinder behavior is not without consequences. Once, she accidentally swiped left on the cute TKE guy in her American Studies class.
“You can’t take that back,” she said. “Once you swipe left, they’re gone forever. Unless you want to pay for premium, which is fucking insane.”
Weaver came close to deleting Tinder one morning a few months ago, when she realized she’d drunkenly matched with her ex-boyfriend the night before. Ultimately, however, she decided to respond to his thinly veiled booty call with a suggestive Emoji rather than an outright rejection, or by unmatching him.
“I knew I’d see him on Tinder eventually,” said Weaver. “And, yeah, he’s a complete asshole, but compared to some of these guys, he doesn’t seem that bad.”
At press time, Weaver was debating whether or not she could ethically condone swiping right on an INFP Scorpio Slytherin chaotic neutral male who could allegedly rattle off all 802 Pokémon from memory.
Editor’s note: this is a work of journalistic satire.