Little Caesars is jumping into unprecedented waters for pizza companies by introducing their new line of “Hot and Bothered” sexually stimulating pizza.
“I always get sexually aroused when I eat pizza, myself,” Chief Director of Product Development Ryan Bingsom said. “I just want the public to feel exactly how I do when I bite into the erotic crust of a good pie.”
The pizza will feature a crust brushed with raspberry lubricant, loads of sauce to rub over the consumer’s oiled up, sweaty body and fontina cheese, the “sexiest of cheeses,” a spokesperson for Little Caesars said.
Patrons are encouraged to eat the pizza fully-nude, whether they are at home with their lovers or in store with their family.
The pizza comes in three different styles: a smaller, pan pizza meant for single self-pleasure, a thin crust meant for two people ready for a little missionary action and a Chicago-style deep dish, made for orgy groups that want to do it hot and heavy, just like their sauce.
“I had only ever eaten La Rosa’s before I was introduced to the Little Caeser’s Hot and Bothered pizza, and let me tell you, it was a transformative experience,” sophomore Burly Clemens said. “I have never felt so personally sated in my life – I went blind for a minute near the last slice. I told my parents about it and they consequently put me on a diet consisting solely of cornflakes, but I would do it again without hesitation, and this time with pineapple for my girlfriend.”
In an online advertisement for the new selection, Little Caesars claimed that while, “Dominos and other pizza chains may use better-quality ingredients than we do, we expect this new pizza to be the first of its kind: one that gives a metaphorical, or literal, hard-on to every man and woman that walks into our stores.”
At press time, a spokesperson for Little Caesars was unable to comment about the advertisement because he was too busy dousing his baby-smooth body in yet another helping of ranch dipping sauce.