(ANNA TURNER | The Miami Student)
I never knew how much Bear Grylls and I had in common. No, I'm not talking about his dashing good looks, his charming demeanor or his ever so sexy British accent. What I am referring to are his constant, epic battles against the wild.
Everyone knows the real reason they tune into "Man Vs. Wild" — besides a chance to catch a glimpse of those pale, English washboard abs — is to see what crazy stunt he pulls every week.
What jungle is he in now? What type of vessel will he build this week? What live animal's head is he going to bite off? You know, those types of things.
However, after the past two weeks here at Miami University, I've come to appreciate a whole new aspect of Bear's quest: His war on Mother Nature. Mother Nature's a biotch … and she's definitely not mad about it.
Bear not only has to search for food, water and a way out of the hell holes he drops himself in but he also has to deal with nature's mommy dearest.
I used to feel sorry for Bear as he fought through rainstorms, windstorms and especially snowstorms, but I never fully appreciated the man's relentless battle … until the glorious month of February hit Oxford. And by glorious, I mean wrathful.
Over the course of two weeks, Oxford's been hit with more than 20 inches of snow in total. And it certainly hasn't all been picturesque.
We've had whipping winds, rain, sleet it's been the works. Mother Nature's been laughing in our faces as we've trudged to classes that just won't cancel, slipped on invisible ice patches outside Skippers, gotten sprayed with dirty slush by snowplows and, most sorrowfully, watched as our cars are towed up and down Spring Street — damn snow routes.
All this coldness and suffering leads a person to ask themselves just one question: WWBGD? (What Would Bear Grylls Do?)
Well, I'll tell you what he'd do: He wouldn't put up with any of the student body's whining crap for starters.
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Buck up! Whining makes you weak and weakness gets you killed. That's right: killed. So, step one is getting over the fact that it snowed. Bear Grylls doesn't cry when its monsooning on him in the depths of the Brazilian jungle, so there is no room for your whimpering as you strut along the heated sidewalks of Miami's campus.
Step two of Bear's undeniably epic survival plan typically involves building some sort of transportation vessel to aid him in escaping Mother Nature. So, if Bear can create a raft to sail down the Amazon out of tree branches, snakes and his own leg hair, you can certainly walk your chilly little bum to the nearest bus stop.
Luckily for you, your vessel comes pre-made. You can thank the Miami Metro — and whoever invented buses — for that.
Step three in Bear's flawless plan almost always involves food, typically something grotesque. In order to combat his dehydration and hunger, Bear will most likely stumble upon some sort of freshwater pond where — after creating a fishing net out of sticks and his own pants (true story) — he will inevitably catch a pint-sized bottom feeder.
He will then plunge his fingers into the fish's eyeballs and take a big chomp out of its withering body. Yum-O.
Lucky for you, along your walk down High Street are approximately 100 (give or take a few) eateries of your choosing. So while Bear is picking miniscule fish bones out of his teeth, you simply have to swipe that glorious piece of plastic that your Daddy gave you, "IN CASE OF EMERGENCIES."
If needing a delicious "Crunch and Munch" from Bagel and Deli in the middle of a snow storm isn't an emergency, then gosh darn it, I don't know what is. NOTE: They also deliver. Tip your drivers!
Step four — the final and most important step — is to get the hell out of dodge. You heard me right. Bust a move people and get out of the damn snow. You better believe that as soon as Bear catches a glimpse of civilization he's going for it, so you should do the same.
Get to class, get home and use those skip days or just plain get out of Oxford — a two week long spring reak, perhaps?
No matter what your master plan is, just get out of Mother Nature's way, she's one nasty old lady.
So the next time you sense a "you vs. nature" battle nearing, throw on those Uggs, get your war paint on and for God's sake ask yourself, WWBGD?
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