Before buckling down and becoming petals of the ever-blossoming flower that is the Miami community, many Redhawks visited other schools in the U.S.A and throughout our dying planet to see if they might fit in.

Most of those Redhawks came to the conclusion that everyone at the following schools is a dumb, little, good-for-nothing wastoid. The assclowns attending the “universities” listed would absolutely get crushed by our bitchin’ skills.

Buckle in for some fuckery in the foliage.

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Kent State University (Kent, Ohio)

Kent State University is a public research university in Kent, Ohio. The university also includes seven regional campuses in Northeast Ohio and additional facilities in the region and internationally. Jesus Christ, it’s like they’re begging for us to kick their asses. With stupid unsuccessful alumni such as Michael Keaton (loser) and Chrissie Hynde (loser), we could easily wreck these pathetic barbarians in the deep woods.

Arrowhead Bible College (Fishtail, Montana)

Arrowhead Bible College offers a one-year program of study, centered around personal development and discipleship. In turn, Miami University offers destruction from above as the tree cover allows our communications majors to descend from choppers blasting “Fortunate Son” like paratroopers and charge these Arrowhead dorks with the force of a thousand dragons.  Oh, they’re gonna fire arrows at us? Pathetic. I bet their arrowheads are dull and ineffective. I mean, it’s almost laughable how unsharp their arrows probably are. They’d probably bounce right off of our strong midwestern bodies like a coy pebble flirting with the placid surface of a body of freshwater.

American University (Washington D.C)

With eight schools and over 160 programs including bachelor’s, master’s and doctoral degrees, American University students choose a personalized curriculum of theoretical study and experiential learning, taught by internationally-recognized faculty in courses that take them from the classroom, to the nation’s capital, and all around the globe. Good God, it would just be so damn easy to spook those Massachusetts Avenue plebeians by running around them in a big circle in the darker part of a North American forest and making really scary animal noises. They’ll be rendered useless by our scary circle as our furious tootsies carry us with weightless ease across the uneven terrain that we know and love.

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (J.K Rowling’s HP Extended Universe)

There’s a reason why those pathetic wand-wielding little shits are scared of the Forbidden Forest. It’s because we’re sitting in there on our haunches disguised as bushes with molotov cocktails, waiting for that perfect moment to strike. They can bring all the stupid creatures and special spells their little hearts desire, but it won’t matter. They can’t stop the ‘Hawks.

Coastal Carolina University (Conway, South Carolina)

Coastal Carolina University, commonly referred to as CCU or Coastal, is a public liberal arts university in Conway, South Carolina, which is located in the Myrtle Beach metropolitan area. Man oh man, just think how underprepared they would be for a ragtag woodland scuffle in an unpredictable midwestern climate! They’re sitting ducks. We are fueled with passion and vigor, and our blows would rock them to their core. How sweet, how satisfying it would be to really brawl these folks in the woods. Mother of Christ and all things holy, do these flaccid, puerile ruffians think they can surf down a switchback trail, catching us off guard with their peaceful aquatic auras and stifle our efforts by convincing us to embrace the principles of peace and love for all men? Hell no. We own the woods. Taste our tomahawks, you insolent buffoons of the south.

babbitwc@miamioh.edu

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