Michael Sheffield

July 18, 1966 – Oct. 20, 2018

We know nothing about this man. He has no kin and we lost all our dental records a while back, so if you know anything about this man, please call 1-800-DED-GUYS. In the absence of details, we had an intern write a few words. Seemed like a cool guy, love his hair. Rip in peace.

 

Toby Jacobs

May 3, 1935 – Oct. 12, 2018

Beloved grandfather and carpenter Toby Jacobs died tragically last Thursday after spending five days on his computer trying to post to “the Snapchat.” He was ultimately unable to upload the out-of-focus video of his haggard, 13-year-old cat, but he did manage to find a recipe for easy fried chicken that he shared with his grandson.

 

The midterm grades of the kid Juuling in the back of class

Aug. 2018 – Oct. 2018

Trent Copeland’s grades were pronounced legally dead last Tuesday after his Victorian Literature midterm. Though he did not do any of the readings or show up to half the classes, he described the death as “unfair” because his parents “pay the teacher’s salary.” Trent looked into reanimating his grades after reading half the Sparknotes for Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, but he quickly lost interest.

 

Lloyd Townspourogh

Jan. 17, 1998 – Oct. 5, 2018

Beloved son and Miami University student Lloyd Towspourough died last week in an attempt to get an extension on his midterm paper. “I’ll just get hit by a Bird scooter a little bit, and the doctor will have to write me a note,” Towspourough told a friend prior to the incident. In some ways this was true, as he was issued a doctor’s note in the wake of this accident: “DOA.”

 

Miami University’s Good Dining Locations

1809 – 2018

The remains of Miami University’s only decent dining locations were found last Thursday, partially ground in President Crawford’s woodchipper after they were reported missing two years ago. Among those found were sandwich shop and Oxford sweetheart Delish. Delish’s older brother Encounter was also identified. Police are still searching for the body of a la carte Bell Tower Dining, and suspect its whereabouts may be connected to twelve raw lobsters found near the scene.

 

Farmer School of Business First-Years

2000/2001 – 2018

Eight first-year students died during Farmer’s annual “Fall Freshmen Harvest,” an event where nine first-years are put into a labyrinth filled with vicious beasts and deadly traps in an effort to score an interview with Cintas. Only one participant, Tony Conway, made it out alive this year. The rest were either eaten by the minotaur or crushed to death by donated chandeliers. Conway was glad to announce that, due to the reduction in class size, he easily made it to the second round of interviews.

 

Ellie’s Tinder Account

Oct. 13, 2018 – Oct. 14, 2018

Sophomore Ellie Rextle’s Tinder account was deactivated, of Rextle’s own accord, after only 22 hours of use. Ellie recently got out of a long-term relationship and thought the account would help her turn over a new leaf. In less than a day, the account helped Ellie realize that Tinder was not for the faint of heart. Though her account was short-lived, it prompted a myriad of messages from hopeful suitors such as “hey :)” and “who’s your friend in the second pic?”

 

Pumpkin

Oct. 1, 2018 – Oct. 12, 2018

A local pumpkin was found viciously carved up on the front porch of a house. The wounds indicate the killer was trying to give the victim two triangle eyes and a wide, toothy smile. This is the fifth incident connected to a string of pumpkin murders this month. Each victim had some sort of whimsical or spooky design carved into its husk. Please contact the Oxford Police Department if you have any information on the murderers.

 

Joe Stumps

Feb. 14, 1998 – Oct. 8, 2018

Local improv comedian Joe Stumps died of a heart attack on stage during a silly improv performance. Audience members thought he was doing a bit when he suddenly seized up and fell off the stage. Much like the majority of his act, the heart attack only got a couple of snickers. Overall, the show earned 2/5 stars.

 

Phiten Necklaces

2007 – 2011

Gone, but never forgotten. Our lives have all been a little off-balance without them.

Comments