All Jacked Up

By Jack Reyering, For The Miami Student

If you’re a college student, the last time you played an organized competitive sport was probably your senior year of high school. For the less gifted athletes, it may have been eighth grade. But, that’s okay. You can still get your athletic fix in college with intramural sports.

Although the level of competition may be downgraded, the goal still remains the same: win.

If you haven’t figured out how to compete in this brave new world of intramural sports, here are a few tips to cement your legacy as an intramural sports star.

Hustle.

Think back on all the advice your third grade basketball coach (also your best friend’s dad) gave you during your biweekly, hour-long practices in your grade school gym. Every time you step on the court or field, remember those worn out phrases he roared at you like “hands up on defense” or “play until you hear the whistle.”

The easiest and most basic way to be a winner in intramural sports is to work the hardest. Not only will you anger your opponents and earn the coveted accolade as a “try-hard,” but you will also find yourself right in the middle of every play.

Crash the offense boards. Nobody is going to box you out, and in the blink of an eye you’ll have double-digit points just off those bunny lay-ins alone. 

Sprint down the line to first base. Half of the time that swinging bunt you just tagged is going to squirt through the shortstop’s legs. Or maybe the throw will be airmailed into someone’s dad’s Range Rover windshield.

If you approach every intramural sports game like it’s a third grade CYO matchup against your rival school, you’re going to give yourself a chance to win every time.

Oh, and you’ll also satisfy that request your mother asked of you in third grade: “Just have fun out there, Billy!”

Play like there are no refs.

Because, basically, there aren’t. The officials calling your frat league basketball game are students who are paid minimum wage to watch you in your white knee socks and Adidas sweat band, playing a game

that literally means nothing. They really just don’t care that much. So ignore them as much as you can without getting kicked out.

Just think of the rules as suggestions. Push a guy in the back so you can grab that rebound. Stepped on the sideline after a catch? Do your best Nik Wallenda impersonation and act like you tip-toed that sideline all the way into the end-zone.

You’re only guilty if you act guilty. There is no replay review to worry about, so own every play and act like you have no idea what they are talking about when the whistle blows.

Show up for the game.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Lots of times, you don’t even have to play the game to earn a win.

Try to schedule your league games for Tuesday or Thursday nights around 10:00 p.m. At this time in many Miami students’ lives, going out for 90s night takes preference to an intramural flag football game, especially when you consider the importance of pre-gaming (to be clear, I’m talking about pre-gaming for the bars, not pre-game stretching). If there is no competition, you and your team can rack up those wins by default, literally without breaking a sweat.

There you have it, the formula for winning in intramural sports.

In short, play hard, play ignorant, but most importantly, just play.

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