By Haley Miller, THE MIAMI STUDENT
With Valentine’s Day quickly approaching, students all over Oxford are planning romantic evenings with their special someones. Dinner and a movie is a bit of a challenge, as the nearest movie theater is 30 minutes away. Besides, who wants to pay $10 to sit in a room filled with noisy strangers and eat stale popcorn? So, dim those lights and clean your laptop screen, because it’s time for Netflix and Chill™. Bewitch your lover on a budget but be sure to avoid these titles:
“Blackfish.” It’s an incredibly moving and affecting documentary that is definitely worth a watch. That being said, the sexiest part of the doc is when the trainers have to pleasure a male whale in order to create more whales. The male whale in question is Tilikum, who is to marine parks what Harambe was to the Cincinnati Zoo. Hence, unless you and your honey are down to cry about a giant whale that lived his whole life stuck in a tank and just recently passed away, skip this title on Feb. 14.
“Annie.” When in history has this formula ever worked for anyone: red wig + orphans + Great Depression? Not to mention that the most romantic song in the whole movie is between an eccentric bald billionaire and his newly-adopted daughter. And not to harp on the whole orphans thing, but the orphanage and the title character will only remind you and your date of the negative repercussions of procreation.
“Bee Movie.” Where to even begin with this one. How about the fact that you and your lover’s “how we met” story could never compare to Barry B. Benson and Vanessa’s. When was the last time you were in mortal danger and the love of your life saved you from being squashed by a pair of winter boots? That’s what I thought. Also, you either love the memes surrounding this movie or hate them. That will arise during the viewing, so you better hope both of you are on the same page. Regardless of all the bee puns that you could make (“Bee Mine,” “Beestiality,” “Be My BaBee,” to name a few), bite your tongue and skip this title.
“Hot Girls Wanted.” This horrifying exposé on the online porn industry has a misleading title and logline (“They’re looking for escape, empowerment and easy money. But baring it all online leaves them overexposed.”) Fear not, though, that’s what this article is for! If anyone you know watched this movie and liked it, but not in a, “wow that was so thought-provoking and shocking,” kind of way, run.
“Babies.” Another doc, “Babies,” is upbeat and will remind you why everything that is about to happen is trying to further the human race. Quite a buzzkill. Or maybe just the documentary subject you’re looking for, I’m not sure. And again, if either party gets too excited about the subject matter, make sure you’re practicing very safe sex.
“Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging.” This movie perfectly captures the angst that is middle school, arguably the least attractive time in everyone’s lives. If it sparks any discussion of middle school mishaps, the vibe will instantly be ruined. Not to mention that “snogging” refers to making out, yet is somehow an even worse term for kissing.
We’ve all had horrific Netflix and Chill™ experiences, so be kind to one another and don’t become a tragic Monday morning story.