Satire: Farmer creates class to prepare students for real world

Joey Hart, Opinion Editor The following is a work of actual fake news. In an attempt to even further prepare students for the business world, Farmer School of Business is now offering Real Life Competency 101 for students. Students will be immersed in a class that shows them the more concrete abilities they need to succeed in corporate America. The course will cover units such as How to Suck Up to Your Boss, How to Undercut Your Coworkers’ Achievements and How to Get Away With Stealing Someone Else’s Lunch, among others. Additionally, while the class is only worth three credit hours, students will be required to stay in class and complete their work once regular hours are over. They will be expected to dress in business casual attire and are liable to be “fired” (fail the class) at any time for reasons ranging from inadequate work to being annoying during meetings. Senior and business management major Sam Levathon said this course has opened his eyes to what is ahead of him in life. “The class really shows you just how much there is to learn about the business world,” Levathon said. “For example, I never knew what a valuable skill it is pretending to do work on an Excel document until your lunch break. These are skills that will last a lifetime.” Professor Dennis Shire, who teaches two sections...

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Good idea, poor execution: Vinny at mental health forum

The following reflects the majority opinion of the editorial board. Last Thursday, Vincent “Vinny” Guadagnino, former TV star on the reality show “Jersey Shore,” came to campus to serve as the keynote speaker for the university’s mental health forum. In front of a crowd of about 500 in Hall Auditorium, Vinny answered questions and spoke of his experience with severe anxiety throughout his life. His speaking portion of the evening lasted less than 30 minutes. Vinny’s performance was, compared to the grandiose of his name, underwhelming; he spoke for a short amount of time, he made jokes about doing shots with the audience and he showed up with little bone fide psychological expertise. It’s easy to imagine that those in attendance expected more out of this celebrity speaker, and more out of the $20,000 that he charged the university to appear last week. These facts are concerning, and when it comes to a topic as important as mental health, the need to produce an effective and legitimate dialogue is an urgent one. However, when it comes to this event in particular, to write it off as failure would not do justice to the larger context of the issue of mental health and the proximate results it showed. The genesis for seeking a person such as Vinny to come and speak to Miami students is a reasonable one. Events about...

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Opposition to DACA based on misconceptions, not facts

Darcy Keenan, Columnist “DACA is like a parent stealing a bike, giving it to their child and then pretending they should keep the bike because they’ve ridden it.” – Twitter user @PolitiBunny, Sep. 4. Let’s talk about this comparison. When someone steals a bike, or anything for that matter, they are directly impacting and hurting who they stole from. Undocumented immigrants are not stealing anything from anyone. Straying from the idea of DACA, it is important to understand the parental figures of the Dreamers: there is this idea that undocumented immigrants are stealing jobs from the hard working Americans, but that isn’t true. According to CNN, Immigrants are taking laborious jobs that no one else wants, like farming and fishing, which means that American citizens do not face any real job competition with undocumented immigrants.  According to a study published last year by the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine, the idea that immigrants “steal” jobs from Americans make little to no sense.  Even with the undocumented immigrants working in this country, there are still approximately six million jobs that remain unfilled in the country (CNN). Another concern is that undocumented immigrants aren’t paying their taxes and doing their fair share to contribute to the economy. However, many undocumented immigrants are able to use the social security numbers of U.S. citizens, which means that they will have taxes...

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Satire: ASG candidate needs position for her resume

Joey Hart, Opinion Editor The following is a work of journalistic satire. Sophomore Sarah Munciano, candidate for ASG Senate in the third on campus district, unveiled her new campaign slogan “I need this for my resume” this afternoon. Munciano, who posted fliers with the new core message in Porter Hall this afternoon, stressed the need for reform in her post-college job marketability. “For too long, we have had to endure the eyesore of that blank spot on my resume between my club field hockey team captain and my campus tour guide experiences,” Munciano said. “If I am elected, I assure the student body that I will secure the necessary credentials to get an unpaid internship in Washington D.C. before my junior year.” Other parts of Munciano’s platform include crafting diversity legislation that will look good on a transcript, forming a committee on student health to mention to job interviewers and changing her Instagram bio to “First ASG, then Capital Hill #Munciano2017.” “The office of a student senator is an honor and privilege to serve in,” Munciano said. “And as my efforts passing out cookies to freshmen in exchange for votes show, I am prepared to take that office head on.” Munciano’s main opponent, sophomore Todd Hastleman, characterized his opponent’s goals as ludicrous, saying he is the one that needs a resume boost. “Sarah has good points, I cannot lie,”...

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Satire: It’s time for Armstrong Phase III

Jake Gold and Nick Froehlich, guest columnists The following is a work of satire. Armstrong’s Phase Two was a great move by the university. For $23 million, we got new study space and some cool restaurants – including Red Zone, a brilliant idea from Miami to curb the (mostly unimportant and mostly a nothingburger) drinking culture. But where Armstrong falls short is in its meager budgetary allotment and small size. Really, Miami? Is $23,600,000 all you can muster up for the greatest expansion to our student experience since Phi Delt came into existence in 1848? Plus, we only knocked down Culler Hall. One academic building? What? Does Miami not care about student experience? So here’s my proposal. Armstrong Phase III. Armstrong Phase III will cost $24 million dollars, and will knock down two additional academic buildings. I mean, seriously, Shideler is right there, and it’s basically begging for it. Just think of how satisfying it would be to watch some big ol’ wrecking balls slap right into that lame, dorky rock museum. Only nerds would care, and when did we become a school for nerds? But really, besides the cheapskate price tag and lack of academic destruction, what Armstrong is missing is the special sauce that you can only find at Brick Street Bar and Grill™. You know the unique feeling that you get, having downed several trashcans and...

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