Guess who’s back? Back again. Tell your friends.

It’s me, kids.

I simply couldn’t resist the opportunity to get back behind the proverbial mic and start ranting about my thoughts on a particular upcoming “holiday,” namely, Valentine’s Day.

Let me be the first to say that the fact this day is a thing is stupid. It’s so stupid. Do we really need to take one day out of the year to throw chocolates, flowers and pink, heart-shaped paraphernalia at our lovers? Or, for all the single ladies, sitting and sobbing into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food while watching “P.S. I Love You” and looking at pictures of your ex on Instagram?

I speak from experience on that last one. No shame.

I’m convinced that Valentine’s Day solely exists so couples can have competitions amongst themselves to see who has the best significant other. For example, last year, a girl I know — let’s call her Bridgette (note: not a fan of Bridgette) — went on Instagram and Snapchat tirades, forcing her love for her boyfriend down everyone’s throats.

Bridgette’s boyfriend (let’s call him Chad; Chad and Bridgette sounds good, right?) took her to Hawaii (FREAKING HAWAII) for Valentine’s Day 2017. Chad rented a sailboat (A FREAKING SAILBOAT) and decorated the whole damn thing with rose petals. They had copious amounts of champagne and strawberries waiting for them when they boarded the ship.

Let’s rewind for a second.

First of all, if y’all knew Bridgette like I know her, you’d know that if he had done anything less she would’ve had a cow, because Bridgette’s world starts and ends with Bridgette.

Second of all, they are both 20. Who has money for that as a 20 year-old? I actively have to check my bank account to see if I have enough money to get a McFlurry when I’m treating myself on a Thursday night, and I sure as shit know my boyfriend doesn’t have the dough for that. Hawaii is expensive. So are boats. And so are top shelf champagnes.

Like, honestly, how?

Third of all, they probably had a miserable time. Bridgette was probably bitching that the wind was getting her hair stuck in her lip gloss, and that the sound of the waves was running the quality of her 52 Snapchat videos. Chad was probably sitting there thinking, “God, why do I put up with this?”

Now, I used to be opposed to celebrating this archaic holiday in any form – you taking your lady to a nice dinner downtown? Unfollowed. On everything. Celebrate your lover everyday. Not just February 14th.

I used to joke with Max (the beau) that if he ever tried to do anything with me for Valentine’s Day I’d break up with him, because I was that upset by it. But he asked me the other day, and I was like, “I don’t know, we could go out for dinner that weekend and then see a movie and then split a bottle of wine and cuddle and watch another movie and cuddle, let’s just cuddle.”

What?

Yep. This is who I am now.

But please. Please. For the general public’s sake and for my sake – keep the posts and the extra-ness to a minimum, okay? Enjoy the moment. The world doesn’t need to know, because guess what? You post 899 pictures of your boyfriend every other day anyway, Bridgette. We get it — Chad’s great. He puts up with you, so he has to be.

Cheers friends,

Your friendly neighborhood hater

hatcheam@miamioh.edu

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