Dear Angela,

My significant other has been sucking the life out of me for some time now. There’s far too much backstory to go into at the moment but just know that a lot has transpired and I have started to hold back sexually. I’m just no longer interested in any way and no longer want to give myself to my partner in that sense.

I never did let my freak flag fly, I never thought I was that type of person. However I’m starting to realize I don’t want to be stuck in a boring, borderline married couple relationship anymore. I want an Anastasia Steele/Christian Grey type dynamic.

I guess my question is… Are these feelings wrong? Should I stick with this mature type relationship? How do I end it…?

Also, while we’re on the subject, what’s an awkward mini van?


The Lizard King

Dear Lizard King,

In honor of both Valentine’s Day and the release of the new Fifty Shades movie, here’s what I have to say: Let your freak flag fly, Lizard King.

These feelings are not wrong; if anything, they’re right. Your significant other is holding you back. Sexual attraction plays a huge role in romantic relationships and the moment you stop feeling tingly and turned on when you’re being intimate with your S.O. … that’s 50 shades of problematic.

Sex is a normal part of any healthy, functioning relationship. According to the American Sexual Health Association, sex promotes better sleeping habits, happiness, less stress, etc. And not to mention the chemicals released during the big O make you feel like a million bucks.

And what’s more is you don’t want to. I don’t want to get on my soapbox and start preaching about enthusiastic consent, but if you’re uncertain whether or not you want the tea, then your partner should not be serving you the tea, OK?

Don’t stick with this “mature” relationship because no-sexy time/no-fun does not equal “mature.” I know plenty of people in mature, long term relationships and let me tell you, they have plenty of fun. In fact, if you’re trying to enter the world of kink-dom, you need someone mature enough to talk about sex without giggling at the word “boob.” Communication is key. You have to be able to talk about sex ­— the good, the bad, the feels, the sticky.

Lizard King, you have found yourself at an impasse and you are faced with two choices: Cut the cord between you and your current bae and continue to be in a constant state of sexual frustration or explore your sexual interests and freedom. At the end of the day, that’s your choice entirely, but here’s what I recommend you do:

I want you to get out there and find yourself a partner that will wake up every damn person in your damn house or damn dorm and rock your damn socks off.

It doesn’t have to be someone you are head over heels in love with. I’ve found sexpolartion is best done with a casual partner, as long as pretenses are clear. It should be someone who is open, communicative, curious and who practices safe sex. Hell, you don’t even need a partner. You know your body’s wants and needs better than anyone else on this planet; do some self sexploration.

I want you to get out there and do some damn research.

Start at the American Sexual Health Association’s website. Learn how to ask questions, stay protected and maximize the pleasure process for you and your partner. But please, stay away from Cosmo because no one — literally no one — uses donuts, mango, grapefruit or whatever they’re telling people as sex toys. Donuts and various fruit are for eating.

Don’t let a damn person tell you that your desires are invalid.

This is 2017. Tell them to get with the damn program.

And finally I want you to get on the Google machine and look up what an awkward minivan is for yourself. I promise, it’s just as traumatic as it sounds.