Dear Angela,

Hello! Lately, I’ve been thinking about trying the “Devil’s Lettuce” … all my friends do it and I really want to try, but I’m kind of scared … that probably sounds silly, but I’ve never done it before and I’m not sure if I’ll like it. I also don’t want to look dumb because I don’t know how to smoke out of a bong … thoughts? Any advice is appreciated.

Sincerely,

Considering Going Green

Dear Considering Going Green,

Repeat after me. Green is good, all the time. All the time, green is good. Amen. Welcome to church.

I could write a 20 page paper in MLA or APA format with in text citations and a bibliography about all the reasons why the Spicy Spinach should be legal in all 50 states for medical and recreational use, so I’m pretty freaking pumped to answer your question, Considering Going Green.

First and foremost, you have to consider going green for you, not because of social pressure or because you think it’s the “cool” thing. Pot is a choice, and for some, it’s a great choice — it’s THE choice — but ‘le weed’ is not for everyone.

My philosophy in life is that of a “Yes” Man. Try everything once and if you hate it, don’t do it again, but at least you can say you tried it and you’ll probably get a hilarious story out of it.   

My advice? You do you, my friend. I can’t really give you a definitive green light or red light answer on this because it’s illegal. At the end of the day, the choice is entirely yours. All I can do is help you along the way, and I have several thoughts.

1.) As for this “I also don’t want to look dumb because I don’t know how to smoke out of a bong” business — for the love of God, do not smoke out of a bong for your first time. You have to be able to crawl before you walk and walk before you run. Similarly, you have to work your way up to Nirvana. You don’t hike Mt. Everest for your first hiking trip, you know what I mean? Are you catching my drift here? Baby steps.

2.) Going off that point again, you have to smoke for the first time with the right people. Find yourself a Obi-Wan Kenobi ganja jedi master and you’ll be the young padawan. Obi-Wan didn’t laugh at Anakin Skywalker the first time he swung a lightsaber. You’ll want to find yourself someone who won’t laugh when you start violently coughing after your first hit. You need someone who will be patient, show you how to do the weeds and then buy you copious amounts of Cool Ranch Doritos.

3.) Lower your expectations because many people do not get high the first time they smoke pot. I have found zero scientific evidence to back this up, but ask around. I promise it’s a legit “thing.”

Don’t be dumb about your weed-y endeavors. It is still illegal for recreational use in Ohio and I want you to be aware of that because, like everything in life, there are consequences for your actions. And no matter how many times I will the law to change with my mind and the power of positive thinking, you have to have a script and medical documentation in Ohio to start blazin’.

In addition to that, it’s a drug. And like any drug, you can develop a dependency on it. Like my man Oscar Wilde said, “Everything in moderation.”

So in light of that, let me hit you with some fast facts:

Eight states have legalized recreational use of marijuana. They are: Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada, Alaska, Colorado, Maine and Massachusetts. I hear Colorado is lovely this time of year. Perhaps a vacation is on the horizon for you. Spring break, anyone?

More than 20 states have decriminalized/legalized marijuana for medical purposes, including Ohio, so progress is on it’s way.

According to the American Cancer Society, THC, the thing in cannabis that makes you feel like you’re floating on cloud nine, has been reported to relieve pain and nausea in cancer patients and even stimulate appetite in patients going through chemo. CBD, more fancily known as Cannabidiol, can help reduce anxiety and even seizures.   

It soothes tremors for people with Parkinson’s. It helps with Glaucoma. It spurs creativity in your brain. It mellows you out.

99.7 percent of the world’s problems can be solved with marijuana.

Yes. I made up that statistic. It is entirely false. But can you imagine how much happier the world would be if everyone just ripped a fat one from that bong you know Obama was hiding somewhere in the Oval Office (RIP) and just talked about life and the universe and stuff, man?

Damn. I see trees of green. Cannabis plants too. I see them bloom. For me and you.

And I think to myself … what a wonderful world.

Sincerely,

Angela Hatcher

tmsaskangela@gmail.com

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