Angela,
I'll admit I was a little nervous to ask this question, but from reading your other articles, it sounds like you're someone who's open to trying new things, so I'm assuming you won't judge.
Anyway, my girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for about six months now. At first, the sex was amazing -- I mean, we were going at it three times a day. But lately, well, things have simmered down. We're still knockin' boots on the reg, but it's like we've run out of ideas. It's just the same old routine over and over again.
Recently, she saw the film, "50 Shades Darker," and she suggested that to spice things up we try some BDSM.
But here's the catch: She wants to be the dom.
On one hand, I'm kinda open to it. I like the idea of her taking control and dominating me in every sense of the word ... But I have my reservations. What if my friends find out? They're all tough, conservative guys who would say I'm whipped if I gave her a ride to class -- What would they say if they knew she was literally taking a leather whip to my bare ass?
And also, I saw her on her computer the other day browsing strap-ons -- that might be a dealbreaker for me. I want to try new things, but how do I let her know where to draw the line?
Anyways, I hope that you can point me in the right direction.
Sincerely,
Nervous Submissive
Dear Nervous Submissive,
Yet again, my advice column provides me the opportunity -- the honor, really -- to give someone my two cents on the wonderful world of all things kink. It's a great day to be a Redhawk, folks.
Nervous Submissive, if you are into the idea of your lady dominating you then you just gotta go for it.
Balls deep.
Literally.
I've never been one to worry much about whether or not my friends will judge me for my sexual tendencies and you shouldn't give a damn about it either. It's your body, not theirs. It's your dick, not theirs. And it's your pleasure, not theirs.
Your friends -- and yeah, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that these friends of yours are also your "brothers" -- have no place judging you for what you're doing in your bedroom.
Wondering what would lead me to assume that these friends are the frattiest of frat stars? Perhaps the part about them being tough, conservative guys who would say you're whipped if you let your GF give you a ride to class ... *sips tea*
And who knows, maybe if you tell one of them about it, the one that's least likely to judge you -- your best pal of your crew -- they'll confide in you that they have their fair share of kinks too. Like waterboarding. And then you can give them shit for that. Because that shit's just fucked up.
So if the thought of seeing your girlfriend clad in leather, whip in hand, telling you what to do and being a total dominatrix badass makes you all hot and bothered then do the damn thing.
Sex is great. Kinky sex is better.
You can only make whoopie for so long before the routine starts to get boring and, as you've said yourself, you're starting to reach the point where getting down and dirty is about as familiar and mundane as watching your clothes dry on the spin cycle.
Thus, it is time to sexperiment.
The stigma against BDSM is baseless and if judgment is what you're afraid of, then you're going to just have to snap out of it, wake up and smell the damn coffee. What people think about your sex life doesn't matter. It's none of their damn business.
You and your lady seem to have a good thing going. If the sex is good, that means the chemistry is there and that's important in a healthy, functional relationship.
But the communication has to be there too.
If that hot and bothered sensation completely evaporates at the thought of your GF sticking a dildo up your butt, then you just have to say that point blank. Don't beat around the bush, don't try and say it in a way that's nice like, "Hey ... maybe not ... I'm just not that into strap-ons, I guess ... ya know?"
Just say, "Hell no girl, my butthole is a one way street and crossing hella boundaries!"
Kinks are great if communicated properly. So go for it Nervous Submissive, but be clear about your wants and expectations. Not much can go wrong when you are open and communicative with your partner.
And if you're feeling the kink, and she's feeling the kink, I guarantee you'll have a delightful time.
tmsaskangela@gmail.com