By Joey Hart, Assistant Opinion Editor

Butler County Water and Sewer Department released a report Friday that showed the recent opening of Starbucks on campus directly correlates with an increase in pH levels of the ground water in Oxford.

BCWS Director Steven Thornton said, although the situation is under control, the speed with which alkaline substances began to permeate the water table following the coffee chain’s presence at Miami was alarming. In the span of two weeks, the average pH level for local water jumped from 8 to 12, he said.

“We knew that the establishment of such a business at Miami might have this effect, but we didn’t anticipate the effect to be so immediate,” Thornton said. “It’s important now that everyone thinks twice about buying your tall, half-caff soy latte with cream every morning.”

Thornton added that this phenomenon was “almost unprecedented.”

“We haven’t seen this big of a spike since J Crew brought a travelling store-truck here in 2008,” he said. “We have a tradeoff when giving up that quad Grande, no-whip café mocha with chocolate drizzle and two vanilla pumps in exchange for clean water, but it’s a tradeoff we have to face.”

Junior Rebecca Simpson said that as regular patron of the campus Starbucks, she can’t help but feel some responsibility for the environmental crisis.

“I was speechless when I learned about the effect that buying coffee had on our drinking water and the surrounding environment,” she said, wearing Lululemon yoga pants and a green North Face hoodie. “I had no idea of the damage that getting my double, nonfat, Venti, two percent foam, extra hot Caramel Macchiato with skim could do so much damage.”

Sophomore Harrison Osbourne, another frequent customer of Starbucks, said people should be willing to limit their coffee consumption to curb the problem.

“I can see we have an issue here, as clearly as I can see through my Gucci GG 1116 sunglasses,” Osbourne said. “If foregoing my iced, one-pump, deep-fried, Mexican Frappuccino with a shot of mermaid tears, dipped in the fountain of youth and served in the Holy Grail with whipped cream will help solve the problem, I’m willing to do that.”

Efforts by BCWS to reduce the effects of this problem are ongoing.

The preceding piece is a work of satire.